In the middle of the journey

Back in July, my husband and I had a loaded conversation that caused me to look at my lifestyle. My husband had just lost his job a week earlier and we were fighting a lot. He and I had just said some very hurtful things to each other so I needed to get away. I went out on my front porch and smoked a cigarette. I honestly, why lie, do not smoke very often but if I get really upset, I will smoke a cigarette. My husband had smoked for the last 18 years but quit cold turkey two years ago. He came out to talk about the problem we were having when he saw me smoking. He sat down and proceeded to tell me he was concerned about my health. Well my health problem was my weight. I was heading towards my heaviest weight yet. He said that he felt that I needed to do something about it. Of course I was shocked that he would even bring it up. He never wants to confront those topic especially that one. He said I was obese and if I thought that a "fat" farm was what I needed then maybe I should think about going. I was devastated but numb. I definitely had a few choice words for him. How dare he say something now. Why now? You did not seem concerned about my health for the last 4 years. OK maybe longer. Why now? I was upset but I still needed to eat dinner. I had made pizza and had a plate sitting in the kitchen. I felt so ashamed of myself for being so fat that I could not go in there and eat it. It felt like I had gone on stage and everyone was pointing and laughing at me " look at the fatty". I thought I was hiding my fat pretty well. I went to bed instead.

I woke up the next day and thought to myself I did not die of starvation. Seriously!!! If I am hungry I was afraid of what would happen if I did not eat.

Well nothing.... I made a choice right there and then to begin the journey again. Yes again... I had lost weight before a lot of weight. The journey of change. I am not a dieter. I know that I must change my life in order to be healthy and thinner. Nobody is going to do it for me. I have to make a decision every meal. Am I going to eat what I want or what I need? It has now been almost 3 months and I have lost 28 lbs. I am committed but I have been committed before. I know how to lose weight the safe way. I lost 75 lbs in 2004. I had lost 41lbs in 2008 but gained it back. I'll discuss that in another entry. I am concerned that I will be tempted to throw in the towel when life gets too stressful. I do not want to disappoint myself again. My hope is for me to be able to achieve my goal of changing my life by expressing my feeling on this blog. I will extremely honest and hope that other people will find it helpful as well. I know other people must feel like I do and I hope that by reading my blog you do not feel alone.